The L O S T
by zebraFinch
Summary: It is seven years after Revan redeemed herself and destroyed the star forge. The Exile has gone searching for his old commander and friend. The Jedi are all but destroyed, Forcesensitives hiding out in the galaxy. Meanwhile, the Sith have returned...[7 yr


The L O S T 

Summary: What happened to Revan after going to the Outer Rim and Unknown Regions? Starts right after KotOR and bleeds into part of KotOR II. Starring a LSF Revan. Rating might change. Please Review.

Disclaimer: No…I am really sorry, I do not own Star Wars or any of its characters from KotOR I and II. They belong to LucasArts , Bioware and Obsidian. Though if I had things my way in my dreams, the _disclaimer_ would read a little different, more like: _Claimer: I do own Star Wars and its characters and earn a bazillion dollars a year._ Unfortunately that won't happen, so I'll just have to deal with it.

**Prologue: **

I gave a half-hearted wave to the cheering crowd at the base of the old Temple, giving a half-hearted smile and half-heartedly wishing that I were not here. Instead of feeling accomplished and joyful, I was feeling guilt and sorrow. I wanted to get out of here as fast as possible. I was still smiling, still giving the impression that I had triumphed. I did not. Ninety-eight percent of the people here did not know who I really was. To them, I was just Lenna Nexrus, savior of the Republic. The did not know that I once was Darth Revan, the one who had ruined their lives so many years ago, who had destroyed whole planets and defeated Mandalore. Finally we were able to push through the crowd, getting within range of the Ebon Hawk. On the way there I got stopped by at least two-dozen different beings asking me to come to their celebrations of the downfall of the Sith. Ha. Sure. Downfall…

We all finally got to the Ebon Hawk. From what I had heard, the Jedi Council on Coruscant expected me. It was a long trip to the Core planets, so I might as well rest here. Without saying a word to anyone, I went to the starboard bunks and collapsed on mine, promptly closing my eyes.

I gave a sigh as I heard light footsteps coming into the room. I was not in the mood to talk. I glanced up and saw Bastila sit down at the edge of my bunk. She looked at me, a knowing atmosphere around her. I sighed and sat up.

"You aren't happy are you?" she asked softly.

"Wow, you can tell?" I replied sarcastically.

She ignored my statement and went on. "You're radiating it through the Force." She paused for a moment. "Carth knows there's something wrong too…"

"Carth can go eat bantha fodder for all I care, he doesn't know how I feel, no one does!" I interrupted harshly. I paled, immediately knowing that I would regret saying that. And sure enough, Carth was standing right and the entrance to the bunks. His face had a look of plain shock upon it as he stared at me. I sat there for a moment, Bastila between us both, saying nothing. Finally he turned on his heel and stalked off. My heart dropped. I would have rather him scream at me like when he was usually mad than walk away without saying anything.

Bastila looked at me sadly then stood, walking away. Before she exited, she halted, turned once more to face me. "Lenna, you know that you have to put these things behind you…it's affecting you greatly and all those around you. Take some time to meditate on this. I know I am not your master, but I'm offering advice. First though, I would try to tie up the loose ends with Carth. Explain to him why you feel the way you do."

With that she walked away. I sat there for a moment, thinking. I was not one who really enjoyed being the first to come forward to admit my wrongs, but in this case I'd make an exception. With a sigh, I stood and slowly started to walk to the cockpit. In my mind I was running over what I would say to him, and was not having good luck. I barely noticed where I was going when I tripped over T3. He gave me a sharp "_dweeoooop!"_

"Sorry T3," I mumbled, walking on. Before I knew it I was at the cockpit. We had lifted off by now and Carth was setting the coordinates for the jump to Coruscant. He knew I was here with the racket I made tripping over T3. He was steadily staring ahead.

"Carth?" I hesitantly began. He made no reply. I cleared my throat and repeated his name. Again, no reply. I came forward, laying a tentative hand on his shoulder. He jumped, then wrenched away. I swallowed the lump starting to form in my throat. This was going to be hard.

"Carth…" I said, "I am really sorry for what I said back there I was mad. You don't understand what I'm feeling. I still…I still feel for you though. Don't take anything I said or am saying the wrong way…please?"

All I saw was the back of his head. Then his soft, angry words came to my ears. "If you had let me ask, or at least let me in on some part of the discussion you and Bastila were having I might be more considerate. But it seems like you think I have no feelings regarding how you feel. Well, now I guess I don't."

I felt my anger begin to creep up higher. "Now look here. No one knows. I came here with an apology, hoping you'd take it, and I was fixing to explain what was going on, but now I don't think I will."

Carth said nothing. Suddenly he pushed a button and I heard the hyperdrive start. Sithspit! I wasn't buckled in or ready for a jump. Stars became lines and the Hawk gained momentum Unfortunately, from where I was, I felt gravity leave me for a moment and I was lifted into the air for a split second, then the motion of the ship quickly going forward slammed me backwards. I reached into the Force, slowing the force with which I hit the wall. My head collided with the wall rather hard, and black took over my vision.

In a few seconds I came to. Carth was bent over me, his arm supporting my head, horror in his eyes. I sat up quickly, slightly dizzy for only a moment. I pushed him away, tottering as I stood. His arm reached out and grabbed mine for support. I got steady for a moment and then wretched my arm out of my grasp, tears springing to my eyes as I stormed off. I heard him call my name but I didn't care. I was an emotional wreck. The striking blow to Malak had suddenly changed me. Was I becoming depressed? Perhaps. It seemed that everyone misunderstood what was going on, even Bastila. Heck, I didn't even know what was going on in my head. All I know was that the moment that Malak died, the memories came flooding back.

I saw my father on Onderon as he defended my mother and me from the Mandalorian raiders. I saw my mother, dying in front of my five-year-old self. I saw a Jedi pick me up a few days later as I wandered Tatooine alone. I saw the four spires of the Jedi Temple in front of me as I hid timidly behind the Master who brought me here. In the Room of a Thousand Fountains, I saw a little boy approach me, greeting me with, "_Hi, my name's Malak. I've heard you're doing good Revan…I hope that we become good friends…_" I saw an older version of Malak, a teenage version not too long ago, as he sparred with me, his blue lightsaber clashing against my yellow one. He pinned my lightsaber down, while at the same moment stepping around me, his arm around my waist as he pulled me against him, his head bending down as his lips touched mine…

I shivered, massaging my temples with my fingers as I sat on the edge of the cot again. This was just too much to handle for one person. It was hard enough knowing that I was not really Lenna Nexrus—that I was once Darth Revan, Dark Lord of the Sith. And now we were heading straight for the Jedi Temple on Coruscant. And that fact terrified me. Of all the places to go, I'd rather go to Dxun and deal with Mandalorians than this. Though I shouldn't really think that, because Canderous has shown more loyalty than I've ever seen in any other person. And respect.

Soon enough, I was asleep as the Hawk drifted through hyperspace.

_There was a hooded and masked figure in front of me. And above me. How I had arrived at this odd angle was bewildering. The figure gave an ominous chuckle, a sound that sent shivers up my spine. Crimson flowed from his hand as he ignited his lightsaber. I tried to get up, but looked down and saw that my leg was obviously broken, and that my side was bleeding profusely. _

_I took the time to look around as I sought for a sense of where I was. It was a small building, and not that large. There were a few footlockers, metal cases, and a bed in the corner, with a refresher to the side. I looked back to the figure and saw that he wasn't looking at me anymore but towards the corner where the cot was. Suddenly there was a small child, probably two, standing there, crying and looking terrified. He screamed "Mama!" and I felt the deepest need to go over and protect him. I ran over there as best as I could, and whipped out my yellow lightsaber, bringing it down to meet the red one that was going towards the child…my child I guess. Suddenly, the door opened and a shadowed frame screamed "Revan!" was in the doorway. Blaster bolts ricocheted around the room as the one wielding the lightsaber deflected them from the figure in the door. He moved aside as I saw for a split-second a familiar orange jacket…_

_I looked to the child and saw him looking up at me, scared with liquid brown eyes._

And I awoke.

I gasped for air, looking around me. Mission was loudly snoring in the cot next to mine, and I could see Bastila stirring a little in her sleep. The sheets were all stuck to me from the sweat I had broken out into. I sat up, trying to gain my bearings and remember—or forget the dream, whatever I was trying to do. I held my head in my hands, pressing the palms into my eyes until stars started popping up. That has to be one of the worse visions I've seen yet. I would never in a million years see myself as a mother, nor the figure in the doorway as my child's father…well that could be true. Ugh!

I softly sighed in frustration, angered and confused by it all. This was all growing to be too much for me, plus the feelings that overwhelmed as well. I started as I realized that in the lack of controlling my feelings, certain things that weren't bolted in the room began to quiver as the waves of emotion that flowed from me in the Force moved past them. I fought myself, getting my feelings back under control. Can't have everything bursting and waking people up all worried about me.

I shakily got up, wondering what to do as I paced the room in my bare feet, not waking anyone up. Mission was still snoring and Bastila was facing the wall, not moving. Normally we shared all dreams and intense feelings, but she hadn't woken up when I did. I reached out to her mind and felt her oddly blocked and severed from me. I decided not to overwork and try and get past what was blocking me, so I withdrew from her mind.

I sat at the edge of my bed again. After many moments, I finally came to a conclusion. No one was safe around me, and I had had visions over a while now what was going to happen to the galaxy in the next few years. And I was to not be a part of that, nor did I intend to. I stood, bending over to quietly gather a few things to pack in my backpack: Some clothes, a few medpacs and life-support pacs, a blaster, and an ion grenade, plus a few other essential things. I got dressed, and clipped my two lightsabers to my utility belt as I quietly slipped out of the room.

From what I could tell, we had stopped. I peeked out a port window of transparisteel and saw the familiar buildings of Coruscant and the landing strips there. My stomach dropped as I thought about it and instantly I became nauseated at the fact I might have to face the Masters…well, there was that _might_ in there…

I headed to the cockpit. Carth was asleep, leaning back in the pilot's chair, softly breathing. As I looked at him my heard fluttered. I bent over, tentatively reaching a hand out, and started rubbing the stray brown hairs on his forehead. Impulsively, I leaned closer, tenderly pressing my lips to his cheek, then abruptly drawing away, startled at what I just did. I glanced down and saw some transport papers sprawled across the controls. I grabbed a datapad pen—not really meant for the purpose of paper, but it works still—and hurriedly scratched a message to him.

Having done that, I placed it in front of him and left, looking back at Carth. I felt an aching emptyness in my heart as I shuffled away from the cokpit and to the back of the ship. Quietly, I opened the door, took a step outside, and slowly walked away. I turned around, giving one last look to the Ebon Hawk...


End file.
